Limbo Rock

One of life's great dilemmas is the issue of whether it is better to get bad news instantly or to just go on for a while not knowing. Though it is often claimed that ignorance is bliss, as an aspiring mathematician, and thus a person who places a high value on rationality, I have always claimed it is better to know than to not know. The relevance of this issue to my life is the fact that in the last few months I have sent out over 120 applications for various post doctoral and assistant professor positions. And I have not heard anything from the vast majority of them.

So, though I finally got out of the limbo of not knowing whether or not I would graduate (I will!), I am in the related limbo of not knowing if I will be actually be able to use the degree I have spent the last 6 years earning. If I were to be consistent, I would say that I would like to know right now that I am not getting a job (if that is the case), rather than sit here for the next few months twiddling my thumbs. And I think that is true; I really do want to know. But I don't know if my ego can handle that kind of rejection.

Last year at this time, when it became clear I was not going to graduate on time and I was not going to be funded for an additional year, I spent my time applying to 30 or 40 community college positions. For all that, I earned a single interview. And they did not call me back. That hurt a lot, but I was able to justify it by noting that they were looking for people with teaching experience, something I did not have. Further, I got my tutoring job soon after, which helped mitigate the pain.

However, this time around, these are predominately jobs which are geared towards research, the thing that I am convinced I want to do for a living. Plus, I don't really have a backup plan, since I am not getting the hours tutoring necessary to pay for living in a real apartment (right now I live in the on campus apartments which are MUCH cheaper than those in the outside world). Then, there is the fact that 120 > 40, which means a lot more rejection.

The next time you see me, if I look a bit anxious, know that it is just because my entire future is on the line, and, at this point, I have no idea what that future will be.